Social etiquette may be soon become extinct. Kids these days barely know how to make eye contact, shake a hand, or use patience when trying to make a point. All they know how to do is come up with new slang terms faster, probably stand up against bullying better, and have a higher level of acceptance of others lifestyles than any other generation. Social etiquette is just another one of those constantly changing beasts, like the weather, language, and economics. It won’t go extinct. All it takes is one watch of the show Downton Abbey to realize things have changed since having to put on a “dinner coat”. And like the weather, language, and economics we all assume that we’re the authority on the subject, or pretty damn close, and almost always in the most critical way. (Quick: when was the last time you heard someone praise the weatherman?) An important question I’ve learned to ask myself though, is am I preparing our youth for success with social skills? Adaptable, evolving, rapidly changing social skills?
Due to new complexities of our interpersonal interactions; parents, students, and teachers are just barely staying ahead of the learning curve. Have you ever watched a father/son pair or mother/daughter pair through time? It’s amazing the body language that gets passed down from generation to the other. But what happens when things like smart phones are introduced at a faster rate than the learning curve? When the adults have no time to learn and model appropriate etiquette? The youth pick up, and usually end up repeating, our every move.
I was teaching a course with a student we’ll call Kyle. Kyle was a student who, though highly intelligent, lacked ability to pick up on social cues. Kyle’s intentions were not to be disrespectful, but to the outside observer, he appeared disrespectful. I knew I had to make a correction, and did so in private. I didn’t really want to have this conversation.
I told Kyle politely, “Do you realize that sometimes you yell ‘Mr. Barbercheck’, and address fellow students with the tone of an upset mother-in-law?” He replied, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and his relationship, as well as his tone, with me and with other students greatly improved.
Wow, it was that easy. It was probably just an action Kyle had observed in a guardian figure and subconsciously mirrored. Once he realized his actions were working against his intentions, things changed.
A simple conscious effort led to his improvement.
Not all social skill improvements will be so easy, but I’m glad I knew better than to try to fight fire with fire. Let’s not play the blame game where teachers blame parents, parents blame society, and kids blame each other and let's acknowledge that this is just something we’re all going to have to be conscious of and address. Let’s set aside test scores for a hot minute (everybody!) and directly instruct positive social skills.
We can criticize the weatherman with our hands in our pockets, but we can’t climb the ladder of success doing a lot of either of those things.
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